7 and 8 and 9 months

This summer has been so busy that I haven't had a spare moment to blog. We've either had a constant stream of visitors (who are more than welcome!) or we've been off on adventures of our own. From May we've had a grandma ML visit for my 29th birthday, the Smathers family visit for memorial day, a trip to the Bay Area for my immediate family reunion, my sister Katie visiting, grandma ML and Andrew visiting again for 4th of July, Henry family reunion in Salt Lake, then ten days in Washington state, a river weekend in Yuma, AZ, a mini cousin reunion in Vegas last weekend!! In the meantime, I was accepted into my Master's program at Point Loma and started at the end of August. Our family is still currently transitioning into me being a full time wife/mom/student with a house that's permanently a mess and a baby that's nonstop to-die-for cute and also terrible. I can already feel like I'm getting into the swing of things in my classes so I'm able to manage my time better. School is great and my program will be a fantastic start to my teaching career. I'm so thankful I'm at this point in my life!

So since I've been such a slacker, here are my favorite moments over the past few months with our darling babe front and center.

We can starting to sleep training is....wait, what was I going to say?

Yes. I know that was jibberish....the time for sleep training is here, or as I like to call it, you-made-me-do-this-I'm-at-the-end-of-my-rope training you have to sleep you just have to sleep now.

Today I went to Target to buy deodorant and printer paper. I left with four boxes of Mac and Cheese, goldfish, and an open bag of animal crackers (the pink and white kind with the sprinkles. I couldn't wait to eat them before paying for them). Oh and I had to go back in the store to buy the deodorant and paper that I went there for in the first place.

Why is my brain completely fried?

Because my lovely baby has sleep regressed so far that she basically doesn't sleep at night anymore. I'm not being dramatic although that is my style. When she was born she slept from 7pm - 2am, and then 3am - 7am.  It was amazing and everyone told me how great we both looked and all I could say was, "well we're getting so much sleep!" For the past 3ish months, it's been getting progressively worse. We blamed it on the heat wave, the swaddle, the fact that she didn't seem to be eating enough in the day. Now she wakes up every two hours. I know she's not hungry each time, so Kirk has started helping so I can sleep. But now it's to the point where he can spend over an hour with her, rocking her, soothing her, rubbing her back, and nothing works until I come in and provide a freaking boob.

Now picture this: a girl's night that you've been looking forward to for over a month happens but you are so tired that you can't fully form sentences! Your brain just stops working mid-sentence. Mid-thought. You are unable to make connections in a conversation that normal people can make. Cool friend! How is this blog even coherent? Are you even able to follow this at all? AM I ASLEEP RIGHT NOW?!?

So my limit has officially been reached. 6 times in a night is too many times. Too many to just say, "wow last night was the worst." By the time I would fall asleep, I'd hear her gearing up for another meltdown. And the BEST FREAKING PART about it all is that she is totally fine going to sleep at naptimes during the day, and for the first time of the night....the problems only happen after she wakes up. Ok so I'm tired, you get it. But the other really hard part about a baby who doesn't sleep is the day AFTER she doesn't sleep during the night. She's a cranky, fussy mess. I am unable to do anything else but care for my mess of a child. So the laundry stacks up (I had a giant pile on the couch for over a week. Not like once upon a time a long time ago I had a laundry problem, like one day ago it finally got cleaned up bc I told Kirk the one thing he could do was to empty the house so I could just clean like a mad lady). The dog may or may not get food till Kirk gets home and remembers. I have plants that are dying. I have to go to Costco? Forget it. We need other food in the house beside coffee creamer and butter? But do we really?

And I wonder why I'm having a hard time getting motivated to work out or eat healthy stuff - I just don't have the energy or mental capacity to do that right now. Excuses, yeah. I'm owning it. Those who get 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep cannot. effing. judge me.

I think nature pushes you to this point - the point where you can't take it anymore - so that when you do attempt to sleep train, you are not weak and you know there is no alternative. We can't live like this anymore. This was written on a day that was not the best day so I'll give you an update of how it went when I've slept for 4 hours straight.

Till then, I love my family, I love that freaking baby so much and I will just have to keep that at the front of my mind while we get through this.

6 months!

Happy Half Birthday to my Cocobear. She wasn't really in the mood for taking pictures this morning, mostly because she's not in the mood to do anything lately. According to my googling, it probably has to do with her major mental growth spurt this month - dealing with relationships in her world. It makes it so she's not very interested in eating, sleeping, or doing anything that might give us a little break. BUT....on the other hand, she is still the sweetest little thing I ever did see. She is not sitting up yet and doesn't really like the bumbo. She just kind of melts onto one side of it. She is rolling like mad and can get around, which means crawling is sure to come soon. At her 6 month appointment with the doctor next week, we're going to discuss some of the things going on with her sleeping (she's not) and eating, and will see if we can try to introduce some solids to help her feel full! I don't know if she has ever felt full since it appears she eats to "neutral" and not satisfied. Yep, that means we are still on a newborn feeding schedule of every 2 hours which is just about driving this momma bonkers! We do love watching her grow and it is clear she's learning something new every day. I am so thankful that I can be here to witness her growth and guide her through her small little world that's getting bigger every day. 

5 months!

This little precious is five months old. She loves watching the dog, tickling, squaking, and sucking on anything cloth! We think she's in the first stages of teething because she's a drooly little mess and must have something in her mouth at all times. She's also not sleeping that great, but I think that has more to do with the fact that we are still love/hating the swaddle. That has been pretty brutal. Cora can now roll any which way she pleases, so she's basically mobile. I'll look over and she's on her mat, then I look back 30 seconds later and she might be five feet away! It's truly a miracle to see her grow and learn and for her personality to blossom before our eyes. We love her so much.

PS - The pictures are taken of her in 3 month old jammies. She weighs in at 14 pounds and is just a little package of sunshine.

4th Trimester Body: Why I'm OK (or keep telling myself that)

This post is mostly for me.

I need to remind myself that I am just how I should be.

I know this topic has been basically drilled into the ground online by many moms and celebrities, but I can't help but feel the need to remind myself that what I've been through physically has changed me forever.

Dudes. Pregnancy is no joke. When I first knew I was pregnant, I was so freaking excited to finally see that bump! I wanted my body to prove to me that it was doing what it should be doing and I couldn't wait to wear those pregnancy pants. But I had to wait almost half way through for people to see that I was pregnant and not just pudgy....this was because I had (undiagnosed) hyperemesis gravidarum and lost almost 25 pounds in 3.5 months. My first trimester was absolutely beyond miserable. I wrote a post about it and never shared because it was really depressing and I just wanted to be happy about being pregnant! I say undiagnosed because I never went to the hospital but should have. Through a series of changing midwives and the timing of my appointments, I didn't know that I was dealing with such severe day-long sickness. I thought that was what all pregnant women went through and I just needed to tough it out and not complain. When I finally saw my midwife at around 17 weeks and she found out how much I had lost, she just about slapped me across the face.

From the point where I could actually eat again until the baby was born I ate. I ate ferociously. After practically starving for the better part of four months, I came back at food with vigor and vim. I was trying to gain back the weight that I needed to have a healthy baby and pregnancy and probably took it too far; a few too many chicken alfredo meals if you catch my drift. I ate so many gummies that I joked that the baby would be half human, half gummy bear.

Then I had a belly full of baby and was living the life in stretchy pants and tighter shirts that showed it off. I only really looked at the scale when I went to my monthly appointments and got weighed. There was a point where I gained 12 pounds between appointments (probably the first appointment right after I was able to eat again) and my midwife gave me serious slack about how that wasn't good and to keep the weight in check. I felt embarrassed and a little ashamed. I also was torn by the need to give in to the cravings I was having and to just be content with whatever weight I was going to gain. Obviously. my body knows what it needs. From that point on, I had a severe complex of getting weighed at each appointment worrying that it would be too much and embarrassed that I felt like I had no control at all. What of that was baby and what of it was eating too much?

Flash forward about 7 months pregnant. I was dealing with crazy amounts of stress with the knowledge that I was getting laid off, and was home all day a little depressed and just unhappy. There was a point where I saw a number on the scale that I had NEVER seen before in my whole life and frankly never expected to see. The mentality of gaining weight is fine when you think of it as a third party, but when it happens to you and you see that number, there is just no way to be mentally unaffected. Also, the way the baby was positioned made breathing labored. You can ask anyone - my husband or parents - I had to stop, bend over, and take deep breaths often to just get enough air. This meant that any activity past walking the dog was not going to happen. Going to the gym was not an option. I felt trapped.



So then the baby's due date comes and goes and all I can think of is that she needs to come out because I need to get this weight off. I can't diet while she's still in there!! I can't work out, and run, and do yoga and freaking sweat while she's cooking. So not only is she overdue, but I'm mentally broke as FK and needing to get this weight off, like now. The last week before getting induced was mentally exhausting.

This was the day I got induced. You can see my pure joy (and under belly)

** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **

BUT THEN. YOU GUYS. She was born. I went from being just me to being her mom and my whole life shifted. After 10 months of obsessing over weight and food and calories and nutrients and vitamins and and and... she was finally here.

My body isn't what it was. Good Lord, my boobs will never be what they were. And I'm actually OK with that. My energy is given to her freely, but it sometimes means I don't get the workouts I should. I have a gym membership that is a complete farce, but I can't give it up because I have this part of me that wants to go back. When she naps, I take the time to drink a cup of coffee or sit on the patio and read. When she goes to bed early, I go to bed. I would rather be home and present, than leave her to go to the gym when Kirk gets home. When I think about dieting, I know that restricting myself means potentially losing my milk supply and I can't bear to give up that yet. We've tried to make healthier choices as a family to help keep me on a better track.

So here I am about 30 pounds over my "comfortable" weight. SPOILER: sometimes I still wear pregnancy jeans because they fit and don't make me muffin top. ugh ew...so much extra of everything. Gone are the days of tank tops because no one needs to see this cleavagefordays. I was hoping she'd be stealing more fat from me while breastfeeding, but I guess the skinny little thing is getting all that she needs and nothing more.

I'm a mom!! What the heck? I have to just let this time of my life come and go as it needs to. And I just want you to know that if your body is not whipping back into shape like a rubber band, you're not alone (and if it did, screw you, betch). But in all seriousness, your body, mind, and freaking soul went through so much to bring your baby into the world. We've just begun the sacrifices, do you feel me? Let's enjoy the fleeting moment that is our child's infancy and just let ourselves be. We have plenty of time to lose the weight and right now I'm too busy taking selfies with my babe to work out ;)

What I don't want - to get my pre-baby body back. That would mean losing a part of me that I went to battle for. I want the stretch marks and wider hips (and *gulp* saggier boobs) to remind myself that I am a new version of me...a better me. I'm sure I'll lose the weight once she's mobile and I'm running after her 24/7.

Cheers to you, to us. Cheers to moms everywhere who just need a little loving on their new body every now and then. Now please excuse me while I go to mow-town on some sushi with my other mommy friend.

Love love love,
Jordan