warning: gushy post

IT'S OUR THIRD ANNIVERSARY TODAY! yay!

We are a pretty private couple. There are people who knew us when we were friends/dating who wouldn't believe that we ended up together...like, married. The path we took to get from there to here, aka the best place in my life, was not easy. But the thing I will say is that now that we've made it here, we are home.

Ahh early love (taken circa July 2007)

My first time at the lake - Aug 2009

Reunited after long distance relationship- 2010

"People" say a lot of things about marriage - that it's hard work, everything changes, you lose your identity, ball-and-chain kind of stuff. I couldn't disagree more.

For me (us), marriage is only hard if you don't want to be there. The hard work is really just communication, patience, trust, and service to your spouse. Everything changes for the better. I know that I have a partner who loves and cares for me more than himself. I know this because he tells me every single day. We both took who we were as single people and combined ourselves to form "US". It is the happiest I've ever been. For us, there is no ball-and-chain mentality - we are both able to do whatever we want. It just so happens that what we both want is to spend our time together.

Engagement - May 2011

Wedding - March 31, 2012

Honeymoon - Venezuela April 2012

Park City - December 2013

To others, we probably come off as a bit hermity (translation: antisocial). That's also not really true. What is true, is that in this life we choose to live, we spend our time and money on activities and people who truly matter to us. If it doesn't really matter, then we'd rather just be together in our own little world. That comes off as harsh and it has pushed people away.  Marriage and friendships go both ways and if one side is not pulling their weight, I sure don't want to force it. People grow and change and that's OK. At the end of the day, friendships are important but my spouse is my priority.

So even though I know you didn't ask, here are some things I've learned about marriage so far. We are only three years in, but we sure are happy...and not just in an instagram highlight kind of way. We take the time to commit to our marriage every day. And I don't mean to toot my own horn and go on and on about how awesome we are - this blog is just as much a mechanism of memories for me as it is entertainment for you - but these are real, true things that we incorporate into our relationship which make me happy, fulfilled, and wildly in love.

1) Every day ask yourself what you can do for your spouse. Even if it's a little thing like doing the ironing that no one wants to do, or walking the dog when the other doesn't want to put pants on. The mentality of "What have they done for ME lately?" is selfish and toxic. Turn the energy around to spend it on your spouse and you will notice that they'll do the same and MORE. This is the single, most important thing to a happy marriage. The rest of them are just bonus things that add substance, deepen your connection, and provide greater meaning to your relationship.

Although I don't agree with her mentality, Janet's man didn't pull his weight and got burned in a music video...and i guess it makes it easier to complain about your man with a bunch of shoulder moves.

2) Cuddle. That's right. Spend time in a long hug on the couch. If the day was too draining to have a conversation, just watch TV in each other's arms. Otherwise, cuddle and talk about plans, upcoming trips, the events of the day, or even read. It is rejuvenating and also really hard to be in a fight/mad when you're cuddling.

3) Cook together. Dinnertime stresses me out, mostly because I want to be healthy but I really hate going to the grocery store (that's a whole other story). Cooking together means that we eat out less, but probably spend more time together... not to mention stay on a tight budget while I'm out of work. We have music on in the background, we talk, he chops the garlic or touches the meat when I don't want to, and it becomes a thing we do together instead of something I stress out about alone.

4) Go for walks. We have to take our dog for a walk every night because that's his thing and he needs to walk his humans. If we don't, he will look at us from his bed ready to pounce up at our slightest movement. He'll stare at you without blinking to remind you that he's there, ready. He'll even get up and come over to remind us like, "hey, remember it's 7:30 and I need to walk you." Sometimes I really don't want to take him. Sometimes he's super annoying. Sometimes one of us can't go because the baby is already asleep. We can't even say the word "walk" anymore because it gets Riggs all riled up, so we call them "families" ie "want to take a family?"...it means that we as a family will walk our dog because he needs it and because we are able to be together while we do it. It may only be a 1/2 hour, but it is time we are together, sometimes just enduring the walk for the sake of our silly pup.

5) Be dreamy. One of our favorite things to do is make plans. Just silly things that keep us motivated when it's hard to be motivated to go to work every day. We have dreams and plans that we've made together, knowing that things are not stagnant and you are working towards something every day.

6) Spouse first, children second. This also sounds harsh in this day and age where it is seemingly inappropriate or *gasp* shocking  to put your spouse before your children. Um...nope! There are times this baby seems to literally suck the life out of me, but she is not number one, Kirk is. He is a constant support with Cora, but mostly as a way to support ME. OK so I'm also super new to the mom thing, but I don't think that really matters.  Why do I need to be a mom to a two year old or 18 year old to know that I need to make time for my husband, not just my child? We've had people ask how hard it's been or how things have changed for our relationship since Cora was born. The answer surprises most in that things haven't really changed. We've become closer, and I'd say we have to extend ourselves a little more, but she is a wonderful addition to our duo. We've taken trips, camped, gone to the beach, it's just that now she's there so the manner in which we go about those things is a bit different. Spouse first, spouse forever!! We choose our spouse, we do not choose our children. Every day I need to choose to support Kirk and show my love for him as we can choose to end this at any time. Cora will always be my daughter and I will always give her a mother's love and support. Loving Kirk more doesn't mean I love Cora less. Does this make sense? It's hard to put this kind of thing into words but I know that the rule is true.

7) Make time for yourself. So as not to strangle each other, make time for yourself to do things that you like to do. That includes time tinkering in the garage, or a yoga class, or painting, or leaving for a monthly book club night, or going to a friend's house for dinner without the husb and baby. I can say that I appreciate the time I have in the car to blast music way too loud, talking with other adults about life beyond my day-to-day, or reveling in the silence and sweat of a yoga class, and sincerely enjoy coming home to my family after I'm done.

So happy anniversary, my love. Here is to many more years together, loving, sharing, and adventuring down this road of life.

Family 2014

Family 2015 (pup is here, just not pictured)

Four months

Cora is four months old. I can't get enough of her - she makes me feel like a cannibal. Such a sweet, happy baby. I tell people that and I don't think they believe it.

First time at the beach! Too tiny for any of the swim suits we have

Is it just me?

Or is she cuter when she's mad? 

Cora's birth story

 I was hesitant to post this because it's the very definition of a private experience, but I've realized that reading other women's birth stories helped me so much when I was about to give birth. I know that getting induced is especially scary since you're forcing your body to go into labor and I know my story could help someone out there who just wants to know they're not alone in this! The picture to the left is right after she was born. I look all kinds of haggard but mostly it's the look of relief - relief that she was here, I was done being pregnant, and labor was over!

I was a week overdue and was scheduled to be induced on November 26th at 1pm. I got to the hospital without any changes from my 40 week appointment where I was told I was maaayyybe 1 cm dilated and 50% effaced. The team checked me in and strapped my belly with a monitor for the baby's heartbeat and another monitor for my contractions. I had a thing around my arm permanently that checked my blood pressure every half hour. I was given an IV of fluids and formally checked in with a million questions before anything got started. By the time a nurse came in to actually do anything regarding bringing the baby into the world, it was 2:30pm. She started out by offering two options for induction considering I hadn't progressed in the past week: 1) I could have a suppository inserted into my cervix that would soften my cervix and promote dilation, or 2) I could have a balloon inserted into my cervix which, when filled with a saline solution, would manually open my cervix and would fall out around a "5". By then, I would hopefully be well on my way to being in labor on my own. I asked the nurse what she suggested since I hadn't heard of either of those options and was basically expecting pitocin only. She said that the suppository would take longer and it wasn't for sure that 1 would do it and I might need more....I was like, well then I guess we are doing the balloon because this baby needs to be out like now. So she went and got a nurse midwife who was going to be inserting the balloon and with her came a whole host of support staff. This was by far the worst part because I didn't know what was coming....

Anyone who's had a baby knows that "being checked" for how dilated you are is not comfortable in ANY WAY, SHAPE or FORM. Imagine that times 100. The nurse could not get the balloon into my cervix and tried for probably 20 minutes. I guess it sits high in my body, whatever that means. So there she is, shoving as hard as she can into my body while I try to RELAX enough for her to get it in. She just couldn't do it. Had another nurse try. She couldn't do it either. I was in so much pain and it was so brutally uncomfortable that they gave up. At the end of it all, the main midwife was like, "Well now that there's been all that 'activity', you're now dilated to a 2 or 3 so we might not even need the balloon anymore." GREAT, THANKS. I was then set up with a low drip of pitocin and off we went...

The nurse came to check on me every hour or so, testing my pain level and upping the pitocin. I had this going on from about 4pm to 9pm with definite contractions, but they were bearable. When she came in to check me at 9pm, she said I hadn't progressed past 4cm and the contractions were, by that time, coming strong enough that I needed a break in between them, but was unable to rest because they just came one on top of the other. I didn't think I could do it for as long and slow as things were going and might want an epidural. She told me that if I was considering an epidural that I would need to get it while I could sit still....and I was almost reaching that limit so I just decided to do it.

It took about an hour for the anesthesiologist to get to me. The epidural wasn't bad at all compared to the pain of contractions. They feel like really really bad period cramps on steroids. They sanitize your back while you sit up and put your head down. It feels like a cold liquid down your spine when the medicine is inserted into the tube. Then they give you a button to press to add more medicine if you get really bad. It worked for about an hour and I was able to take a nap and rest since I was going on being awake for 15 hours and the end was not in sight. Another thing you might not realize (because I didn't) is that when you get an epidural, you get a catheter too. That honestly hurt more than the epidural. And you feel it (at least I did) the whole time. It's extremely uncomfortable.

I woke up around 11:30 pm to the contractions coming back and so I clicked my button and waited for more medicine to kick in. It never did. I called my nurse in and told her that i felt everything except my legs and she called the anesthesiologist back in my room to see what might have happened. The anesthesiologist couldn't figure it out and tried giving me some hardcore drugs straight into my tube in my back to see if that helped with the pain - it didn't. She asked me to wait for it to kick in and it never did. So I could feel all my contractions but couldn't move my legs. It was not fun, but I was also not going to let her "try again". Whatever!!!!! I basically ended up having a natural birth due to a faulty epidural.

I got checked for progression around the time this was all happening and was at a 5. Shortly after that check, my water broke on its own. I even told my nurse, "Hey my catheter isn't working because it's leaking everywhere." Turned out to be my water. It was also around this time that the contractions were strong enough that they were affecting baby's heartrate so I had to have an oxygen mask over my mouth which turned out to make it a little harder to breathe...but it gave me more oxygen which gave the baby more oxygen and that's what it was meant to do.

So it's now probably midnight or later...maybe 1? And my water broke like an hour ago and I'm telling Kirk that I have a feeling of a LOT of pressure in my bowels - a feeling that I hadn't felt before. He tells me to breathe through it, but I tell him to get the nurse bc it's either that something isn't right, or something is happening. She comes in and checks me again and finds that I'm all of the sudden at a 9, almost 10 and ready to start pushing. All of the sudden, multiple nurses are in my room bringing in the baby cart, setting up all kinds of stations, bringing in lights and equipment. My own nurse is rushing around doing what, not sure. I was kind of out of it....the pain, you know. A doctor comes in to examine me and to confirm that I can start pushing. They tell me that first time moms can be pushing for up to three hours. WHAT!!?!! hells to the no. I held my own feet up, curling my body up and my neck to my chest. It took me a couple of contractions to get the hang of pushing because I thought I needed to push with my abs. No, you push like you're pooping. That's that! That's why you poop....because you are using those muscles. but honestly, whatever about that. Every contraction I could feel coming I would tell them and they would help me get ready and I would push for 10 seconds. They told me not to scream because it was wasting energy on screaming that I could be focusing towards pushing. It's crazy but like, I needed to scream. Then, after 10 seconds I would take a breath and then start pushing again for another 10 seconds. You push until the contraction passes and then you rest. What you may not realize is that your body is pushing so hard that to all of the sudden STOP pushing takes an extreme amount of control and it is very hard. Pushing feels better than stopping. So I was pushing so hard that the doctor said I was probably going to rip if I didn't give my body a chance to stretch during the down time of the contractions so when I felt her head almost there, I had to wait for probably 15 minutes from the time they saw her head coming to the time she was actually born. Pushing, stopping, with her head putting crazy pressure RIGHT THERE. I couldn't wait for her to be born and just out of me so that everything would just stop. I pushed for 45 minutes. The "ring of fire" is real, but it is fleeting. It is no more painful than the pressure of having her head right htere just waiting to be born. She was born at 4:37 am with the cord wrapped around her neck three times. They put her on me right after she came out but she wasn't as responsive as they liked so they cut the cord before it could pulse all the way out and took her away to get her breathing. Not more than a minute passed before she was back on me and I was holding her for the next two hours straight.

Then I birthed the placenta (I didn't look at it or save it or anything). They then pushed on my stomach from ribs down to the pelvic area to push out any blood clots or pieces of the placenta that were left over. That didn't feel great, but it wasn't bad. Then they stitched me up with two stitches since I had a small internal tear. I held her the whole time everything was taking place. I was up and moving myself to the wheelchair to be taken to our recovery room and the rest is history.

Looking back I have an over-all positive memory of everything. I had great nurses and they really listened to me and cared for me all along the way. It was the hardest thing I've ever done, but it was also the most amazing and rewarding thing, too. To know that this human is here in the world because you brought her here....oh my god...nothing more magical. It makes every hard day of the pregnancy seem like beans.

Some words of wisdom: Remember through the whole thing that you are amazing. You were literally made for this. Your body will know what to do even when you don't. You will find the strength to keep going deep down in a place of yourself that you didn't even know was there! Also, don't feel bad about getting an epidural. Of course women have done it without epidurals for thousands of years, but there's no point in putting yourself through that if you have the option and desire to get an epidural. Your birth story is just as legit as someone who didn't have any pain meds at all. And you may even get a nap or two!

After Cora's birth, I felt like recovery was quick. Of course it's painful, but the speed at which your body recovers is truly amazing. Stick with breastfeeding if you can - the pain of that is also something you are not sure you would ever live through, but the outcome is wonderful. I could do a whole other blog post about the nightmare of initial breastfeeding to getting to where it doesn't hurt anymore (6 weeks!), but probably won't.

There is no other thing in my life that I am more grateful for, except for my loving husband, than the chance I was given to bring my angelbabe into the world.