4th Trimester Body: Why I'm OK (or keep telling myself that)

This post is mostly for me.

I need to remind myself that I am just how I should be.

I know this topic has been basically drilled into the ground online by many moms and celebrities, but I can't help but feel the need to remind myself that what I've been through physically has changed me forever.

Dudes. Pregnancy is no joke. When I first knew I was pregnant, I was so freaking excited to finally see that bump! I wanted my body to prove to me that it was doing what it should be doing and I couldn't wait to wear those pregnancy pants. But I had to wait almost half way through for people to see that I was pregnant and not just pudgy....this was because I had (undiagnosed) hyperemesis gravidarum and lost almost 25 pounds in 3.5 months. My first trimester was absolutely beyond miserable. I wrote a post about it and never shared because it was really depressing and I just wanted to be happy about being pregnant! I say undiagnosed because I never went to the hospital but should have. Through a series of changing midwives and the timing of my appointments, I didn't know that I was dealing with such severe day-long sickness. I thought that was what all pregnant women went through and I just needed to tough it out and not complain. When I finally saw my midwife at around 17 weeks and she found out how much I had lost, she just about slapped me across the face.

From the point where I could actually eat again until the baby was born I ate. I ate ferociously. After practically starving for the better part of four months, I came back at food with vigor and vim. I was trying to gain back the weight that I needed to have a healthy baby and pregnancy and probably took it too far; a few too many chicken alfredo meals if you catch my drift. I ate so many gummies that I joked that the baby would be half human, half gummy bear.

Then I had a belly full of baby and was living the life in stretchy pants and tighter shirts that showed it off. I only really looked at the scale when I went to my monthly appointments and got weighed. There was a point where I gained 12 pounds between appointments (probably the first appointment right after I was able to eat again) and my midwife gave me serious slack about how that wasn't good and to keep the weight in check. I felt embarrassed and a little ashamed. I also was torn by the need to give in to the cravings I was having and to just be content with whatever weight I was going to gain. Obviously. my body knows what it needs. From that point on, I had a severe complex of getting weighed at each appointment worrying that it would be too much and embarrassed that I felt like I had no control at all. What of that was baby and what of it was eating too much?

Flash forward about 7 months pregnant. I was dealing with crazy amounts of stress with the knowledge that I was getting laid off, and was home all day a little depressed and just unhappy. There was a point where I saw a number on the scale that I had NEVER seen before in my whole life and frankly never expected to see. The mentality of gaining weight is fine when you think of it as a third party, but when it happens to you and you see that number, there is just no way to be mentally unaffected. Also, the way the baby was positioned made breathing labored. You can ask anyone - my husband or parents - I had to stop, bend over, and take deep breaths often to just get enough air. This meant that any activity past walking the dog was not going to happen. Going to the gym was not an option. I felt trapped.



So then the baby's due date comes and goes and all I can think of is that she needs to come out because I need to get this weight off. I can't diet while she's still in there!! I can't work out, and run, and do yoga and freaking sweat while she's cooking. So not only is she overdue, but I'm mentally broke as FK and needing to get this weight off, like now. The last week before getting induced was mentally exhausting.

This was the day I got induced. You can see my pure joy (and under belly)

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BUT THEN. YOU GUYS. She was born. I went from being just me to being her mom and my whole life shifted. After 10 months of obsessing over weight and food and calories and nutrients and vitamins and and and... she was finally here.

My body isn't what it was. Good Lord, my boobs will never be what they were. And I'm actually OK with that. My energy is given to her freely, but it sometimes means I don't get the workouts I should. I have a gym membership that is a complete farce, but I can't give it up because I have this part of me that wants to go back. When she naps, I take the time to drink a cup of coffee or sit on the patio and read. When she goes to bed early, I go to bed. I would rather be home and present, than leave her to go to the gym when Kirk gets home. When I think about dieting, I know that restricting myself means potentially losing my milk supply and I can't bear to give up that yet. We've tried to make healthier choices as a family to help keep me on a better track.

So here I am about 30 pounds over my "comfortable" weight. SPOILER: sometimes I still wear pregnancy jeans because they fit and don't make me muffin top. ugh ew...so much extra of everything. Gone are the days of tank tops because no one needs to see this cleavagefordays. I was hoping she'd be stealing more fat from me while breastfeeding, but I guess the skinny little thing is getting all that she needs and nothing more.

I'm a mom!! What the heck? I have to just let this time of my life come and go as it needs to. And I just want you to know that if your body is not whipping back into shape like a rubber band, you're not alone (and if it did, screw you, betch). But in all seriousness, your body, mind, and freaking soul went through so much to bring your baby into the world. We've just begun the sacrifices, do you feel me? Let's enjoy the fleeting moment that is our child's infancy and just let ourselves be. We have plenty of time to lose the weight and right now I'm too busy taking selfies with my babe to work out ;)

What I don't want - to get my pre-baby body back. That would mean losing a part of me that I went to battle for. I want the stretch marks and wider hips (and *gulp* saggier boobs) to remind myself that I am a new version of me...a better me. I'm sure I'll lose the weight once she's mobile and I'm running after her 24/7.

Cheers to you, to us. Cheers to moms everywhere who just need a little loving on their new body every now and then. Now please excuse me while I go to mow-town on some sushi with my other mommy friend.

Love love love,
Jordan